I don't like feeling bored because then I have way too much time to think. If I start thinking, well, the possibilities are endless.
I wish I could do something tonight. But most of my friends are miles away, living their lives in college or doing something for spring break. And here I am, wasting my night away thinking about how much fun I could be having if they were here.
I feel strangely alone, and sometimes that happens. I can honestly say I hate being alone, but I'm trying to learn to like it. I'm learning to depend on myself because sometimes, that's all I have.
But to be honest, I hate it. I hate feeling like all you have is yourself. I love knowing that somewhere out there, there is someone who cares about you as much as you care about them. And sometimes you feel that way. And sometimes you don't.
I think I build myself up just to get hurt. Why? Because I expect so much out of my friends. I do. Sometimes, they are everything I want and sometimes, well, they let me down. I feel like I try so much more to be a part of their lives. Should I feel this way? I don't know. I don't know if it's just me worrying too much or if I just read way too much into everything. But it's a terrible feeling. A feeling I don't like to express,
but sometimes, I do.
Jared listens to me every time I call him upset about these things. He tells me I worry too much and makes me laugh. He tells me everything will be fine and that my worries will soon be ended because I will see them again, and it will be like nothing has changed. I appreciate him so much for that.
I love that I can come to him, but there's a part of me that hates that I have to. I want to be more independent. I want to take those feelings and put them in the back of my head and go on with my life.
And so, that is what I am gonna try so hard to do. After this post, I will try so much harder to learn to be okay with being with myself.
"But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads?" - Albert Camus
Off to do something productive,
Kimbery
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